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The Girlfriend


Okay, one more. I’ll tell you about my friend from Detroit. Let’s call him Bob. Bob was one of those guys that life has beaten down so low that they think they’re looking down from the top again. Had everything figured out, and had absolutely no filter on his mouth. He was a bartender and used to insult guests all the time. For instance people had a habit of asking how big a 9 inch pizza was. He’d respond “Where are you from? Well a 9 inch pizza is the same size in Florida as a 9 inch pizza in _______”. So he was amusing, but you just couldn’t really like him. Anyway one day Bob starts telling us about this girl he met and is having a pen pall relationship with across the country. We all figured she was in prison, but turns out she was not. She came to visit and they instantly decided to move in together. So, she moves all the way across the country by truck. They take all the stuff into the apartment, and while he never said so, I assume they had sex. So then, in a moment of content she says to Bob “This is nice, we should just go ahead and get married.” Now Bob could handle this a lot of ways. Dismiss it as a joke. Tell her to be patient. Whatever right? No. Bob says “You’re fucking crazy if you think I’d marry you.” Yup. She goes outside, gets into her Bronco and proceeds to ram his car, over and over, from every available angle. Destroys the car completely. Now as if this wasn’t enough, she then drives to the marina and pulls the plug on his boat, which sinks the thing into the canal. Only thing she didn’t do was untie the moors, so it didn’t sink all the way to the bottom. The only thing funnier than the story was listening to him tell the story.

Categories: Uncategorized
  1. February 14, 2012 at 3:05 am

    Your elucidation is succinct and hilarious but I feel like you would benefit from paragraph breaks.

    It’s a simple point of style and only my opinion, but I think your stories would be easier to read and therefore more fantastic.

    • February 14, 2012 at 3:10 am

      I’ll be more grammery in the future. I copied and pasted these all from my posts on Reddit, and I was just pounding them out there. You’re awesome for commenting!

  2. Anonymous
    February 14, 2012 at 3:32 am

    Great stories! I like your writing style.

  3. Dave
    February 14, 2012 at 4:53 am

    Guy was a douche, but holy shit that girl sounds like a psycho…did he press charges?

    • February 14, 2012 at 4:58 am

      He was, she was, he did. She got in some trouble, but not a lot. She moved home and he added a new story to his litany of why he hated everyone.

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